The adjustment period

I promise this won't all be heartbreak stories. Feel free to fast forward to stories that hold more interest. It feels good to let this out, write it down. Do you ever feel that way? Something cathartic about writing it down, like you're releasing some of the pain that has a firm grip on your heart. But even I get sick of myself, so I try to not wallow, not let this soul crushing ache get to me too much. Sometimes life has a way of reminding you of those painful moments when you least expect it though. Then you just recognize it, feel it, and try to move forward. Easier said that done, sometimes. But I have faith it will get easier. It has to; the existential angst is exhausting.

Finally got a little appetite back. for sustenance really, pleasure still alludes me on a regular basis. Getting re-acquainted with working in a small kitchen again, one with limited counter space. It takes a little forethought and planning, and cleaning as you go is a definite must! While I work in there, I think of the kitchens in New York and know that it can be done- surely people living in the notoriously small apartments in NY cook, don't they?! If they really just eat all of the time, just lie to me!

It's all just an adjustment. Within 7 days of T saying it was over, I had found an apartment. 14 days later, a moving truck was moving my kitchen equipment and clothes to a new home. Quick. Not a lot of time to process it all, and there are days when I am convinced I am still in shock. An adjustment from sharing a home with the love of my life, with outdoor spaces and a big garden, to a comfortably sized apartment that has its charms, is comfortable, but it's different and new and not necessarily wanted. I miss being able to walk outside and breathe in the fresh air from the deck, if there were a random nice winter day. I miss walking outside to cut herbs from the garden for dinner; a little rosemary for chicken, thyme for soups, marjoram for spaghetti sauce. I should be happy it's the winter, and that the garden was pretty much done when I left. It would have been so much harder to leave my garden in the middle of the growing season, all of the time, love and work that went into planning and caring for it, only to leave while it was in full bloom.

Every day, I do things to try to move forward. Mostly, it feels like I am faking it, going through the motions. I know that eventually it will feel like a real life, real experiences, so I just keep going. I've gotten myself on some lists for pea patches in the city; Seattle Parks has about 30 pea patches all over the city. You submit your name, and your top 3 choices of neighborhoods, and wait until you reach the top of the list. I chose neighborhoods that are close, have a shorter wait list (1 year- that's as short as they come, unfortunately), and have a larger plot sizes- 10x10 or 10X20. Much smaller than the garden I had in Woodinville, but it will be a garden. And it will be mine. I am also trying to get into a few other places, so I am hopeful that one of these options will pan out in 2010.

The past week was the first time I made a shopping list, with meals in mind. I didn't exactly make everything I had planned- that was pretty ambitious in retrospect, but I did make a few. Progress is one small step at a time, right? One night, I made a hearty potato and sausage bake. It's a recipe from T's aunt, who made it once when we were there for the weekly family spaghetti night. She had gotten it from the Soprano's Family Cookbook. It's delicious and filling. It was what I needed on a cold Monday night in winter; in a strange, new home, with a big glass of red wine.

Roasted Sausages, Peppers, Potatoes, & Onions

Adapted from the Soprano's Family Cookbook

Serves 2

1/2 lb spicy Italian sausage

1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage

Cut the following into 1-inch pieces
1 lb. potatoes, peeled and
1 red bell pepper
1 medium onion

Spread the vegetables in a single layer in one (or more) large roasting pan(s). Don’t over-fill or browning will not occur. Drizzle ¼ cup olive oil over the vegetables and add salt & pepper and some fresh thyme leaves. I like a little white wine in here too; not too much but enough to add some flavor- maybe 1/2 cup.

Roast in a 450 degree oven for 30-45 minutes.

Meanwhile, pierce a Italian sausages and steam in white wine on the stovetop. I like to use a combination of spicy and sweet Italian sausages. Allow the sausages to cook for 15 minutes, with the lid on. Remove the lid and brown the sausages.

Next, layer the sausages on top of the vegetables and cook another 15-30 minutes, until the potatoes are tender, and the sausage is cooked through.

Enjoy with a hearty red wine, a Cabernet or a Zinfandel would be delicious.