Moving forward.

You can't expect someone to treat you better than you treat yourself. You must guard your heart, feed your soul, care for your body, and feel love in yourself if you are to expect someone else to do the same. I have not been treating myself the way I wish a lover to treat me; I've been so exhausted that the thought of exercising is laughable. I shop for beautiful ingredients and then often find myself too overwhelmed by the sheer prospect of cooking. I find it incredibly easy to spend hours mindlessly watching sex in the city episodes.

It's enough. It's actually been enough, but sometimes, it takes a little shove to really get you there. Time to pull up the big girl panties and accept where I am and what's happened. So much time has passed, and while I have harbored hopes that the sheer will of the love I have would change things, it just hasn't. Time to accept that, to accept the reality of the situation and that it's ok to demand things like honesty and fidelity from someone you love. Time to start moving towards a new beginning. It's humbling, and disappointing, and just sad.

So, I spent hours weeding out the pea patch and planting the final seeds of beans and squashes on this lovely and sunny Saturday. I wrapped the tomato plants, since we've been battling another June-uary- it's felt as if it might never stop raining and been so cool. I harvested the first of the radishes, and the spinach & swiss chard is close to being ready to harvest. I am slowly letting go of the disappointment of starting over, alone, and enjoy it for what it is- a new beginning, I guess. I feel fulfilled that I have a space to get my hands dirty and feed myself.

Life. It may not bring you what you had hoped for at times, but it's all about what you do with the unexpected. I look forward to the day when I can open my heart once again, and share my table with someone who wants to be there, and who would do anything to make sure he never leaves for any longer than it takes to do the dishes.