2 steps forward...

I read a fantastic book on my weekend away. 'Farm City- the education of an urban farmer' by Novella Carpenter. It was the kind of book that I devour; memoir all related to food and gardening. Novella's writing is sharp and witty. She's ruthless in her gardening adventures, and I laughed out a loud a number of times.

Reading this book left me feeling equally inspired and sad. This is the time of year when I would be planning our garden, scouring the piles of seed catalogs to place an order before seeds would sell out. But I don't have a garden anymore. I made the mistake of asking T how the yard was doing. He told me how he had to pull the runners of raspberry bushes, so they could be contained and how the rhubarb was just beginning to unfurl its large green leaves. Ugh. I nearly burst into tears. I miss my garden, terribly. I miss sharing that with him- terribly- I think he loved the garden as much as I did. How is it possible that I won't be spending my days planning, planting, caring for or harvesting from my garden? It's not fair, damn it. So, yesterday I found myself consumed by thoughts of what I had, and what I don't have now. I found my heart aching, longing to turn back the clock so that I could try to change the outcome. Not proud of this, by any means. I had gotten a little better about stopping the negative thought cycle; and it wasn't that I was feeling particularly negative yesterday, but I was sidelined with some sadness. I wondered how you could love someone so much, and yet not know what they're thinking and feeling. This fact- that I could not know the real truth of someones feelings and motivations-definitely has shaken me to my core. 2 steps forward, 3 steps backward. Not proud of it; it's just the way it is.

After a few hours of dissecting conversations and being consumed with the nostalgia of the life I once had, I was done. So, what did I do?? I went through those seed catalogs and placed some orders. I ordered with thoughtful abandon; vegetables that I've grown before, heirloom varieties that I've recently discovered. I don't have a garden quite yet, but I'm putting my faith in the universe that I will. And while the picture might not look like the one I have in my head, I will be able to tend to the soil, and tend my soul at the same time. And you should read this book!