Why and What For?

'The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of' -- Blaise Pascal

I've always thought that things work out the way they are supposed to. We may not understand the why's or what for's-- but the universe works in mysterious ways. As I have been on the receiving end of some life altering, painful, and mysterious stuff here recently- I struggle to hold onto this mind set. I do ultimately still believe this.. I have to; otherwise I would be an imposter. As a friend of mine wisely said over glasses of wine the other night: No one is championing this way of thinking when they are in the thick of it. It's only when life is going along swimmingly do we think, 'Yeah, this is how it's supposed to be, right now.. the universe is all-right!'.

Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know why; I was quite happy where I was, and who I was with-- and could have remained that way for a good long while. I don't know what this experience and heartache is supposed to be showing me yet- what's it all for? But even on the darkest of days, when I open my eyes in a new home and remember why I am here, I think to myself "self, things will work out, one way or another. be gentle with yourself. have faith in the process". I try to go through the days with an open heart. I try to understand the why's and what for's with patience and an open mind. It's not easy. But one has to reconcile the heart and the mind. Some days the heart wins a battle, and some days it's all about the mind. You just go with it.



So on Sunday afternoon, as I am ruminating over all of this, and thinking of the previous evening I spent with T, I want to make something warm and gooey. This takes a little bit of time in the oven, but it smells delicious while it's baking. The pumpkin is a small sugar pie pumpkin from my garden.. I could remember planting its seeds, watching them grow and turn from green to orange, and finally bringing them home. The why and what for in these memories? To remember the good, the joy that it brought me. To connect myself to what I was cooking today; I knew that I was responsible for this meal, in a big way- I farmed it for myself. This was a comforting way to end the weekend.. something that would fill my belly, and feel like I was wrapped up in a big blanket.

A ROUGH RECIPE FOR A REALLY GOOD STUFFED PUMPKIN

Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 2 generous servings

1 pumpkin, about 2 1/2 to 3 pounds
4 ounces stale bread, sliced thin, then cut into 1/2-inch chunks
4 ounces cheese, such as Gruyere, Swiss, Blue, Cheddar or a combination, cut into 1/2-inch chunks (I used sharp white cheddar & gruyere)
2-4 cloves garlic (to taste), peeled, germ removed and coarsely chopped
About 1/3 cup heavy cream
Freshly grated nutmeg
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

*I added 1/2 c pancetta, cooked & 1/4 chopped chives

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Using a very sturdy knife, cut a cap off the top of the pumpkin. Clear away any seeds and strings from the cap and hold it aside while you scoop out the seeds and filaments inside the pumpkin. Season the inside of the pumpkin with salt and pepper and put it in a dutch oven

Toss the bread, cheese, pancetta, chives and garlic together in a bowl, then pack it into the pumpkin. The filling should go into the pumpkin and fill it well. Season the cream with salt, pepper and several gratings of fresh nutmeg and pour the cream into the pumpkin. Add just enough cream so that the mixture is moistened.

Put the cap back in place and bake the pumpkin for about 2 hours -- check after 90 minutes -- or until everything inside the pumpkin is bubbly and the flesh of the pumpkin is tender enough to be pierced easily with the tip of a knife. I removed the cap during the last 20 minutes or so of baking so that the top could brown.

I cut the pumpkin into thick wedges and served it with some of the stuffing. It was nicely balanced; sweet pumpkin with the savory stuffing. Perfect with a cold glass of chardonnay.