Time...it passes still..

When I was younger, a year seemed like an eternity and summer seemed to go on forever. My grandma used to always say that time passes so much more quickly when you're older. How right she was. I can hardly believe it's nearly October; it seems like it was just June. This weekend marked one year in my new life. Or, as I have been known to call it- the time when my life imploded. It still seems a little surreal, all of this, still. I know that may seem a little odd, but I honestly think I was just operating in a fog for the better part of this past year. It's true that life just carries on and you figure out a way to carry on with it.

The past year has been a time of introspection for me; I've spent a lot of time thinking and trying to will my heart to heal. I have learned a lot this past year. It's quite an adjustment to be an individual again, and not part of a couple. I had spent 8 years in a couple, and I wasn't very familiar with myself on my own. I've found that most of the things that make me who I am remain; my passions, ideas, desires are all still the same. There have been a lot of internal dialogues- what do I want to do today? What do I want to eat for dinner? Where do I want to go next on vacation? That has been equally empowering and sad; in time, I know it will become more empowering than anything else. The conversation in my head is sometimes hard to quiet, as I try to decipher what the lessons learned are, and how I am going to apply them moving forward. Because I know I have to move forward, even though right now, I still feel as stuck as a fly in a trap.

I found that as productive as I am, left to my own devices, I am also a master putter-er. In the midst of darkness, there have been many bright and shiny spots. In this past year, I feel that many of my friendships have evolved into a deeper bond; I've spent a lot of time with and shared a lot more experiences with friends. This makes me immeasurably happy. I love that I can walk to a farmers market on a Sunday morning. I've only gotten two parking tickets (could be worse). I've been on wine tasting trip, to the beach, to an island, visited friends and family. I found a new passion in being a cooking class assistant. I've felt small bursts of happiness, and I have laughed, a lot. I am still making plans and looking ahead-- italian classes are around the corner as I'm planning a trip in 2011.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that even though it feels like I'm standing on a corner in the dark and cold all alone, trying to sort through it all, I'm not. I've not been alone at all; I've been surrounded by people who make me laugh, call me to my own attention, allow me to cry, and challenge me to be stronger than I ever thought possible. If there was a silver lining in all of this? Well, that would be it.. because time, it passes still.. and one day, I know, there will be love again.